Abbi Crutchfield killed two birds with one stone this week when she bought a pumpkin to celebrate Halloween: "Carrying a pumpkin home from the grocery store counts as exercise during the fall." Seasonal enthusiasm and cardiovascular exercise? This woman is a hero.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Gather my strength..
Hoard a bunch of Hershey miniatures...
Same thing.
— Harmony (@HarmonyRambles) October 18, 2014Just got "hollered at" while wearing basketball shorts and an oversized, soiled R.E.M. shirt. Still got it*!!!
* It = Two X chromosomes
— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) October 21, 2014Just finished the laundry with no missing socks.
*adds magician to resume*
— Mmmkay? (@missekay) October 18, 2014One thing Instagram does instantly is reveal who is living on a trust fund
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) October 21, 2014"The best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup" -- saddest person alive
— Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) October 21, 2014Whenever my haters are gettin me down I imagine a wet puppy singing "Shake It Off"
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) October 19, 2014T-swift posted a 'gram of a $4 cookie in her Welcome to New York series and yeah, that seems about right, economically
— Rachel Syme (@rachsyme) October 21, 2014I'm more surprised that the road to hell is paved
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) October 19, 2014Salesgirl: Purse shopping, ma'am?
Me: Yes can I see that one?
*hands me purse*
Me: This'll fit 8-9 cans of Spaghettios easy. I'll take 2.
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) October 23, 2014The biggest appeal of social media is that it limits actual human interaction.....
I promote that.
— Not your dream girl (@nettie0918) October 23, 2014Can someone please make pumpkin spice Vodka? I'm not feeling white girl enough
— L O R I (@LoriLuvsShoes) October 22, 2014No matter when I hear "Timber" I always assume that I'm drunk
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) October 20, 2014Honey, don't get too excited. Alcohol makes me double take everything these days.
— Sophia (@StupidSophia_) October 22, 2014Thank you to my friends who don't judge me when I stand on chairs to take aerial food shots for Instagram.
— Miranda Feneberger (@mirandafen) October 23, 2014the fact that i'm legally an adult is hilarious
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) October 23, 2014Keep calm and no.
— amelia (@notbedelia) October 22, 2014Whenever I feel down I think about how many women must be devastated there's no yoga matt emoji & I feel a lot better.
— Alley Cat (@deardilettante) October 23, 2014i'm awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) October 23, 2014Carrying a pumpkin home from the grocery store counts as exercise during the fall.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 21, 2014I'm sorry I dug through your scarf display like a squirrel.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 21, 2014Forgive and forget?
Nah. Let's go with resent and remember.
— Goddess of Mischief (@ShanaRose21) October 23, 2014Relationship Status:
Short-term hook up with this box of Pirate peanut butter cookies.
— Ginger (@GingerJ17) October 19, 2014"99 bottles of beer of the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, you fucking weirdos don't know how to drink beer."
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) October 22, 2014I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone, & ignore them like all the other adults.
— ChaoticPerfection (@DaNaLa13) October 22, 2014Not having to change the channel between a new episode of Jeopardy! and a new episode of Grey's Anatomy makes me feel super homely.
— Natalie Sayth (@natsayth) October 23, 2014I don't need a husband I just need someone to come over and make me coffee in the morning and then leave.
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) October 24, 2014