Julieanna Smolinski was a little less coy about her Halloween plans, tweeting, "If you're handing out full-size candy bars today I definitely know a gal who puts out." Priorities, amirite?
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I keep reading the hashtag #WhyImVoting as #WhyImVomiting, every single time.
— Kayla (@perfectly_kayla) October 28, 2014Kid #1 just told me he wants to go to college close to home. It was almost endearing then he admitted it was because of food. #trollchild
— Mikki Kendall (@Karnythia) October 28, 2014I'm not basic, I'm just a bitch.
— Amy Odell (@amyodell) October 29, 2014BREAKING: Instagram is down. Millions of women will finally get to eat a hot meal tonight.
— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) October 29, 2014I don't have any candy, so if I get any trick or treaters this #Halloween, I'll just hand out bad advice.
— Alyssa WereWolff (@alyssawolff) October 29, 2014My Halloween costume this year pic.twitter.com/xhvtcCJsgo
— Menstrual Betches (@MenstruaI) October 29, 2014An 88 year old woman dressed as a nun sat next to me on my flight, she kept talking about God. She's really owning her Halloween character.
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) October 29, 2014Coworker: Why didn't you decorate for Halloween?
Me: I did, see my cubicle has a corpse in it and is haunted by my dead aspirations.
— Ann Coultergeist (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 29, 2014Threw my back out from sleeping too hard
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) October 26, 2014Today is sunny with a low of give-yourself-a-countdown-to-get-out-of-the-shower.
— Amanda Duberman (@AmandaDuberman) October 29, 2014Shark Tank idea: Cardboard rectangle that goes in ur underwear called "CamelNo"
It's gonna be the next java jacket
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) October 28, 2014i feel like there would be a lot less war and violence if we made free coffee a right
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) October 29, 2014You hold no power over me just for making me cum dude, I literally once came just from doing kegels while listening to Doin' It by LL Cool J
— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) October 29, 2014Just like where do I find the time between work, friends, family, plotting with other women to bring down innocent men? Can we have it all?!
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) October 29, 2014just took an uber to get fro yo
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) October 30, 2014My wallet: What's the password?
Product or celebrity: Feminism.
(opens wallet, buys whatever they tell me to buy)
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) October 29, 2014my make-a-wish is susan sarandon brushing my hair
— Rachel Kaplan (@rrkaplan) October 29, 2014Wish people were as hype for Beef Stew as they are for Pumpkin Spice.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) October 30, 2014One time I looked up from my phone in public and I ended up interacting with a bunch of people. Just a warning. It could happen to anyone.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 30, 2014If refreshing your email were an effective strategy for writing success, I'd have a Pulitzer by now.
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) October 30, 2014Kids don't usually come to my door but I REALLY LIKE giving out Halloween candy. Last year I stood on a street corner with bag from CVS.
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) October 31, 2014If you're handing out full size candy bars today I definitely know a gal who puts out.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) October 31, 2014Decorating my bathroom with discarded pregnancy test packages to create a spooktacular fright tonight for the guy I'm banging!!!
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) October 31, 2014Don't forget this is the one day you can bleed on people
— Amaya Perea (@Amaya_Teresa) October 31, 2014My perfect Halloween involves loads and loads of carbs. That's everyday, actually.
— Chanel (@chanelinezp) October 31, 2014What about the girls who are a little bit more "all about the muffin top" than that bass? Who will write OUR anthem?
— Kristen Howerton (@kristenhowerton) October 31, 2014